JURASSIC WORLD: THE MOVIE THAT WOULD NOT END

(SPOILERS ABOUND)

They had to to be kidding... but they were they were not. Not content to let old characters or worn out franchises fade away... or use every movie cliche (that could be dragged out of the over-used barrel), Fallen Kingdom manages to do exactly that! This movie was such a waste of time that I will reveal all - as essentially - you've already seen it all before, and thus I'm spoiling nothing.

Get ready to be appalled.

Where do I start taking this bad cheese across the grater?

Oh, I know... How about...

OPEN ON:

A super-super Richie-rich mansion:

The expensive money set - the atypical mansion production had to use over and over again - as they blew their budget-wad on it, and obviously Chris Pratt ( Owen ) would not play the cash-cow hero again - on location - unless he had a StarWagon outside the Disney studios, and air-conditioning for his "showing-up-for-the-part" acting... mostly on set... unless he was holding his breath for longer than any human on the planet could, under red-hot boiling seas.

But I digress.

CUT TO:

Big mega-set:

Good ole' buddy ( Benjamin Lockwood ) and partner of deader - old fat-man Hammond, from the first Movie - has now taken the reins of Dino Island. Meanwhile: the re-animated Dino business is now hemorrhaging profits - as Isla Nublar is chock full of poor suffering dinosaurs (and not paying victims), due to the fiasco of the previous movie. AND NOW... the poor sauropods and other giant toothy lizards coincidentally need saving!

WHY, YOU MIGHT ASK?

Because Hammond and Partners, LLC had the "good sense" to install the Jurassic Genetic Misfits in a wildlife park, on a plot of land, downhill from an active volcano.

Now that's forethought! No wait, its cheesy writing to get the Dinosaurs to the mainland. But I digress...

Start groaning now. Yes, This dinoturd gets worse.

PAN LEFT:

I personally feel sorry for James Cromwell (B. Lockwood) who was handed his part - excepting the bags full of banknotes he made - playing the semi-senile old codger; a drudge asleep at the helm of Doomed Dinos Incorporated.

It seems Cromwell's character, the crotchety old gaffer, seems to have let an "evil greedy underling" - Toby Jones ( Wheaton ) - take hold of his billions, and manage his estate... and what and estate it is... but we'll get back to that later. No, next...

Seems that 1,500 dinosaurs need saving ( we know this due to the chips implanted in them via the high-tech tracking screen [in the mega-mansion / slash / dinosaur prison / slash / laboratory / slash / bad-guy with guns hideout / slash / home for an orphaned prodigal little girl / slash / millionaire Sothbys' auction house ] that locates all the poor doomed lizards). Given the active volcano ( yawn) Lockwood's billions can fund...

"Yep you guessed it!" Owen ( Chris Pratt) can be bought out of retirement with Claire ( Bryce Dallas Howard ) - who has had the good sense to let her hair grow out - so we can worry if it gets messed up in all the action scenes, where rarely a hair is bothered.

INSERT SHOT:

What! The island is going to explode!

No... but then again, yes.

But not before a team of crack mercenaries (lead by the ultimate betraying bad-ass - like in all the movies) takes a ship built to remove most of the dinosaurs arrives... so that the same convoy of armored vehicles (from the second movie) can roll-in to track down the most valuable specimens.

Of course that means T-rex, the other bitey dinos and Owen's personal pet velociraptor (Blue); a toothy Dino that he has a bond with, so the bond can be exploited later to kill the bad guys - who are rich and evil. (because the overt message in the movie is that evil people are rich and unscrupulous. Kinda like Disney - for making this movie for pure profit, and for the shareholders - who are possibly the real bad guys for making this film).

DOLLY UP:

The volcano explodes just in time for us to see some of our "never to get killed hero group" roll helplessly down a hill chased by Pratt - who that can outrun a pyroclastic flow - which Geo-science estimates average about 200 to 500 miles per hour. The Heroes sadly do not drown when they jump off a 500 foot cliff into the sea.

Note: Pratt saves them ex-machina (of course) before the secondary nerd heroes can drown, and suddenly ( bad editing) we are looking at the last of the dinosaurs baked by lava - pulling our heart strings.

Sigh.

ROLL CREDITS: No wait we have more of the movie that never ends.

CUT TO:

We are on the ship, and in this mega-ship we are introduced to two dinos that will play again and again, and there are all sort of heartstrings plucked for the poor dinos - who are on the "save the poor dinos list"as they have valuable genes that will be needed later.

Can you guess why?

Oh heck, I'll just tell you.

Yep. The "weponized, a one of a kind prototype dinosaur back at the mansion" needs a bit of tweaking. What! Weaponized Dinos? Like in the previous movie? You bet!

PULL BACK (OUT):

Holy popcorn! Did things suddenly go wrong in the backstabbing world of Jurassic world? Did our heroes find out things are evil in Dino mansion? Via whispers; heard by the orphaned little girl (necessary to always hear the secrete conversations of the villains, and hide and escape by cliches - used in every movie since the dawn of filmography)?

Oh no! What the hell happened!

Are our two central heroes imprisoned in the vary dinosaur dungeon that the old man didn't know was there under his house (as he never heard the giant construction needed to build a vault bigger that Roland Emmeric's lifeships fortress - in the movie 2012...

...and just to piss us off, how do these mega-structure places get built anyway? And where are the constructions workers and designers? At least in the old Bond films we saw crews of techs and workers. However, the mansion is automated to save money (on expensive extras), and also because 'only the people who need to die later' can operate the control room).

ROLL CREDITS: No wait we have more of the movie that never ends.

CUT TO:

No, wait it goes on and on, but I'll make it brief. The bad guy mercenary - who knows everything about dinos gets killed by the weaponized Dino and leaves the cage open. NOOOOO! "Gee wilikers, Batman": A hard-headed Dino happens to be in the adjoining cell next to our captive heroes and knocks down a (brick, yeah sure) wall made to keep dinos in (I'd sue the construction company).

The weaponized Dino kills near all the evil guests at Dino auction bidding - in reprisal for their evil ways, and the weaponized killer also munches the bad guy geneticists, because dinos can kill forever and their appetites are never satiated. Our heroes get inevitably-chased by the weaponized Dino, and escape death on a roof by inches - as usual - through predictable, non-clever, use of the Dino's own vulnerability, over-foreshadowed in act 2. after a chase that goes on and on and on and on and on and on... So....

ROLL CREDITS:

No wait! We have more of the movie that never ends.

PAN ABOUT:

Heck more! Yes and why? Because the little girl needs to release all the poor captured dinosaurs - that are likely one-of-a-kind and therefore can't reproduce anyway - so they can take over the planet and spread around the world in about 17 minutes, and so the last of the bad guys can get dino-murdered by... wait you guessed it! The T-rexes, and oh yes ... "If I ever see another ad for a Jurassic world movie, we shall have to nuke the movie studio.

Roll credits...